Vaseline

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to commend you on your excellent product, Vaseline. It is, in my considered opinion, the most underated product of the three centuries its production has spanned. Around the home I've found use for it in all manner of things - chapped lips, hardened cuticles and, of course, softening plasticine. I do not mean to brag, but I am considered in various circles to be one of the best plasticine sculptors in the British Isles. I would not have reached these higher echelons of acclaim without your innovative and versatile petroleum jelly, so from the bottom of my heart I offer you my deepest gratitude. In addition, I have found it to be an excellent personal lubricant. When I walk long distances I have found the chafing sensation on my inner thighs to be most unpleasant. A quick dab of your inestimable jelly eradicates the problem, however, and I have enjoyed many long rambles through the glorious English countryside because of it.

It is also indispensible on the rare occasions my good lady-wife Agatha is receptive to my amorous advances. Fear not, good sirs, I am well aware of its incompatiability with latex contraceptives. They are not in fact products I consume regularly - nay, ever! - as the undercarriage of my good lady-wife Agatha is drier and more barren than Chenoybyl post-'86. Whenever I see a young lady in the street, however, I always take the time to stop and explain its corrosive nature to 'Johnnies'. Although she may only be using it to balm her lips, it is the sad nature of society today that the young are quickly and often without warning initiated into the world of illicit hanky-panky. Although the issue troubles me deeply, I would much rather these young sluts exercise proper caution than plunge the country even deeper into a detestable cesspit of unwanted crotch-spawn.

Yours lubriciously,

Derek Haselhurst-Horton