Tesco

Dear Sirs,

I would like to begin by stating that although your chain has many shortcomings – detestable in-store baked goods and an irksome habit of changing stores’ layouts every six months, for instance – it also has many sterling qualities that make it my supermarket of choice (aside from Waitrose, obviously). Your Clubcard scheme is particularly commendable; it frankly leaves the loyalty schemes of other retailers looking extremely sub-par. I shopped in Sainsburys for three years before Tesco moved in and earned precisely £15.33, which I spent on a Jeffrey Archer novel and a cheap bottle of wine. With Clubcard Rewards, however, my good lady-wife Agatha and I have enjoyed many sterling meals out with minimal expense. Our current favourite is Pizza Express; although we are usually opposed to continental food on the grounds that it is filthy foreign muck, we have developed quite a fondness for the cuisine of the Italian people. Although I hear their attitude to driving is quite deplorable, their pizza is quite delectable.

As my good lady-wife Agatha and I have discovered such enthusiasm for the culinary delights of Pizza Express, we made plans to go out for dinner there last night. Unfortunately, Agatha is suffering from a particularly severe case of gout, and we eventually elected to stay in and watch one of our old Midsomer Murders video tapes instead. To ease her disappointment, and also to get out of the house as Agatha is prone to sudden bouts of savage rage when her gout plays up, I went to my local Tesco to purchase some of the Pizza Express home-cook pizza and some garlic bread. You’ll be pleased to hear that the pizza was delicious; almost as good as it is in the restaurant. The garlic bread, however, was a crushing disappointment.

The Tesco brand garlic bread was drier than a cork leg and, as far as I could tell, completely devoid of any butter or, indeed, garlic. I myself am partial to the distinctive flavour of allium neapolitanum, and I believe I am personally capable of excreting more garlicky artefacts the morning after indulging in a late-night chicken Kiev sandwich. The ludicrous absence of anything even remotely resembling garlic in the product was not only wildly distressing, but also potentially very dangerous to those looking to consume it for medicinal reasons.

I do hope you rectify this problem as soon as possible; it is simply unacceptable and I will not be purchasing it again.

Yours hungrily,

Derek Haselhurst-Horton