Thank you very much for your email, and please allow me to apologise most profusely for the tardiness of my reply. Unfortunately our computer suffered a bout of spontaneous internal combustion last month and I have been unable to make contact through electronic mail during the last few weeks. I did endeavour to go to the library to use the communal “PCs” but unfortunately I was ejected from the premises before I had even “logged in”. Six years ago I used to frequent the library quite regularly until I had a furious row with Mrs Freedman-Brown, the joyless and sunken-faced trollop who ran the place, about some extortionate library fines that had been levied against me. The tome in question wasn’t even within my sphere of interests; it was in fact a copy of The Jolly Pocket Postman that Agatha must have taken out without telling me for Augustus. I know it wasn’t I who borrowed it because the only thing I have ever wanted to put in that repulsive brat’s pocket is a small hand grenade or perhaps some maple syrup before tossing him into an enclosure of ravenous bears. Fortunately, his mother has managed to sober up and keep her legs together long enough to take them both on a ski holiday this Christmas, where I am hopeful that one or both of them will seriously injure themselves. Even if they come back unscathed, at least I don’t have to endure their screams of hysterical puerility over the holiday season or their eating of all the green triangle chocolates out of the Quality Street.
After I had been escorted from the library premises by the odious librarian, Agatha and I went to PC World to try and purchase a new computer. After much discussion with a young man called Horace we opted for one of the new “laptops”, so called because one sits with it atop their lap. Or on a table, whichever is most convenient. It really is quite a versatile machine. In fact, at this very second I am typing this out whilst using the lavatory. Agatha forgot to buy my Bran Flakes last time she went to Marks and Spencer so really this new “laptop” could not have come at a better time, especially as I have already read the most recent issue of Reader’s Digest from cover to cover. I do find a potent mixture of whisky and prune juice sends to alleviate the problem fairly quickly though, so do try that if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Back to business, I regret I must inform you that the £2 gift card you graciously offered me to compensate for my inedible avocados has failed to arrive. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was due to the vagrants who handle the post these days, who are in my humble opinion amongst the most unscrupulous, ill-mannered and uncouth dregs of society. I meant to alert you sooner but, as you can see, I have been unable to get hold of you in the customary way. You must give me your office postal address so in emergencies such as this I am able to communicate with you. Also, Agatha has expressed a wish to send you a Christmas card this year.
Yours festively,
Derek Haselhurst-Horton
After I had been escorted from the library premises by the odious librarian, Agatha and I went to PC World to try and purchase a new computer. After much discussion with a young man called Horace we opted for one of the new “laptops”, so called because one sits with it atop their lap. Or on a table, whichever is most convenient. It really is quite a versatile machine. In fact, at this very second I am typing this out whilst using the lavatory. Agatha forgot to buy my Bran Flakes last time she went to Marks and Spencer so really this new “laptop” could not have come at a better time, especially as I have already read the most recent issue of Reader’s Digest from cover to cover. I do find a potent mixture of whisky and prune juice sends to alleviate the problem fairly quickly though, so do try that if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Back to business, I regret I must inform you that the £2 gift card you graciously offered me to compensate for my inedible avocados has failed to arrive. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was due to the vagrants who handle the post these days, who are in my humble opinion amongst the most unscrupulous, ill-mannered and uncouth dregs of society. I meant to alert you sooner but, as you can see, I have been unable to get hold of you in the customary way. You must give me your office postal address so in emergencies such as this I am able to communicate with you. Also, Agatha has expressed a wish to send you a Christmas card this year.
Yours festively,
Derek Haselhurst-Horton
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