Andrex

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to commend you on the softness, strength and astonishingly pleasant aroma of your new Shea butter lavatory paper. I’ve not experienced such a delightful sensation across my buttocks since I was seventeen and the pastor’s wife took an unexpected shine to me. This was back in the day when the seduction of minors was commonly accepted if not actively encouraged, and I spent many happy Sunday afternoons learning the art of love from a patient and kind woman. I attended a single-sex boarding school in my youth and at an age riddled with sexual frustration, I was extremely grateful not to have to satisfy my hormonal desires by abusing myself while watching Matron, who had the figure, complexion and charm of a London bus, getting undressed through a knothole in room 3B. When the pastor’s wife eventually lost interest in me and moved on to one of my contemporaries, a repulsive and chinless young blister by the name of Harry Futtock, I was utterly heartbroken and vowed never to accept the illicit advances of middle-aged women again. 

Regardless of the tumultuous events of my boyhood, I really feel I must reiterate my esteem for your new innovation in bum-wiping. I’ve never known something which is essentially there to remove remnants of faeces to be not only to be so luxuriously thick but also so sweet-smelling. It is actually of superior quality to the bedding at school, which was so itchy and uncomfortable that I barely got a wink of sleep in fourteen miserable years. My only complaint is the packaging; I know the Andrex brand is famous for its golden Labrador puppies – and incidentally, what happens to them once they’ve grown up? Do you sell them on to laboratories? – but I really do find it quite discriminatory towards cat-lovers. Our own cat, Throgmorton, is very territorial and becomes extremely distressed with even a printed image of a dog in the house. There have actually been a few incidents where he has attacked Andrex packaging and utterly destroyed several rolls of lavatory paper, which, although worth every penny, does not come cheap.

So, to summarise, I think your products are wonderful. To my mind they are the equivalent of a thirty-second spa experience, but please do away with your puppies. It’s unfair to those of us who aren’t dog people.

Yours obsequiously,

Derek Haselhurst-Horton