Blackberry

Dear Sirs,

I have been a loyal Blackberry customer for many years but I am afraid to inform you that my current handset will be my last. Since I got my Bold 8900 last June, I have put up with defunct ring tones, an alarm that only sounds nine times out of ten and jammed trackpads. This is actually my third model in a year and despite numerous vacuous promises from your customer support team, I still do not have a product fit for purpose.

Riddled with flaws, it is the most poorly thought-out thing since my first marriage. I pay through the arsehole for my contract with Orange and for the extortionate sum of money they diddle me out of I expect a handset that will at least reliably awaken me from my slumber every morning. Because Agatha, my good lady-wife, suffers from chronically blocked nasal passages, I am accustomed to sleeping with background noise not unlike a donkey being sawn in half. Subsequently, conventional alarm clocks do not cut the mustard and my Blackberry is the only thing loud enough to wake me up. This is patently no good if the alarm cannot be relied upon to go off every time. On numerous occasions I have missed very important events because of the poxy design of your product and it simply will not do. According to my calculations, it would have been cheaper and more effective had I imported a child from a Third World country a la Angelina Jolie, positioned it on my bedside table with an airhorn and instructed it to let rip at 6am every morning.

Depending on the stringency of international child-snatching rules, I will be investing in an HTC or iPhone when my contract is up in December.

Yours peevishly,

Derek Haselhurst-Horton