MP for Stoke-on-Trent

Dear Sir,

I am writing to commend you on Stoke-on-Trent’s latest accolade as 9th Worst Place to Live in the UK (2011). Although I have not personally visited all the other cities that were recognised as even worse than Stoke-on-Trent, I must offer you my warmest congratulations on missing the top spot by a whole eight places. Considering what a squalid mess the town was in May this year when I was unfortunate enough to visit, I can only presume that some radical clear-up must have occurred between now and then as I don’t believe it possible for it to have otherwise been beaten by eight other cities.

I have read that there is some sort of initiative to regenerate Stoke. Initially I assumed this would involve a small, localised nuclear weapon and plans to sterilise approximately 95% of the population, but was perplexed when I discovered it instead involved bolstering employment and developing enterprise zones. As I’m sure you are aware, the majority of people in Stoke are neither seeking employment nor enterprising in demeanour. The incumbent population is too idle and mentally deficient to even engage in the more rewarding areas of crime (such as fraud and money laundering), instead turning to mindless thuggery and criminal damage, which is twice as high in Stoke as the national average.

I do not mean to sound like southern bigot, sir, and I’m sure you envision yourself as a missionary of sorts, trying to bring prosperity and opportunity to the hapless folk of Stoke-on-Trent. Unfortunately, you are labouring misguidedly; would you endeavour to enrich the lives of cattle or potatoes? Of course not; it's a fool’s errand. Despite your woolly-headed left-wing tendencies and innate longing to ‘see the good in everyone’, I can’t believe that you haven’t noticed that your constituents are lazy, incomprehensible, ugly and inconsiderate. I have read in the news recently about a child who started a smear campaign online against her teacher using the Facebook and was punished by being excluded from her school trip. Although this seems like a disproportionately light punishment for causing such distress and humiliation to one of our fine educators, the brat’s parents fought tooth and nail to have her punishment revoked. If the Facebook had existed when I was a boy and I had pulled such a stunt, rest assured that my father would have beaten me to within an inch of my life with the buckle-end of his belt, and rightly so. What kind of town produces parents that are so imbecilic and indulgent they would let their revolting spawn behave so atrociously? One that should have introduced stringent reproductive laws long ago, that’s what.

I apologise sir, what began as a warm message of goodwill has turned into a long rant against your life’s work. Regardless of how I feel about your illiterate and loathsome youth, rest assured that my congratulations remain notwithstanding.

Yours sincerely,

Derek Haselhurst-Horton